I used to think resting well meant taking a break from the busy-ness, not making plans, and having a free weekend to be a homebody.
What I was really doing was hiding from people.
I was making excuses, "but I'm just introverted."
Really, I was avoiding talking about my feelings.
I was stuffing my emotions.
I was isolating myself.
I was sinning.
I was sinning by telling myself, "You're ok, you can get through this.
Why are you sad? Stop feeling like that - it's out of your control so just accept it."
The past 7 years of my life have been an emotional roller coaster because of my mom's cancer, getting married, starting a business, dealing with broken family relationships, and just life moving faster than I can keep up with. With each new phase in my life, I chose to just accept the new status quo. I didn't grieve my losses (nor did I celebrate victories). Knowing it was out of my control, I allowed myself to just move along with each new normal. I didn't stop to acknowledge my sadness or my grief so I never processed my emotions. Instead, I stuffed them down, hid them away, and before I knew it, I wasn't relying on God anymore. I was relying on my coping mechanisms of isolation and distractions.
It has left me exhausted.
Enough is enough.
I lay down and slept; I woke again,
for the Lord sustained me.
- Psalm 3:5
David wrote this Psalm in the midst of a battle. He did not lie awake in anxiety as the battle raged on.
David he slept. He trusted God and was able to rest in Him.
And the Lord sustained Him. Because David trusted Him to do so.
To be like David and rest in the Lord, to lay all of my anxieties down at His feet, to let go, I don't know what that means.
But I'm going to start figuring out.
Not in isolation, but in community.
Not by myself, but with the sovereign Lord, my God.